I want to eat him up!

I am feeling the need to write because I am getting to that point where I am falling so in love that I am getting scared and sad:( NEED TO STOP. I am suppose to fall in love with him and love him as my own. He deserves that. He has officially become a part of our family around our house. Caleb told him I think 6 times tonight that he loves him, Kirea gets sad when he leaves for school and she told her friends to be nice to her little brother today, and for me now all through the day I just have that sudden surge that I just want to grab him and hold him and kiss and hug him just as I do with my own kids. I find the things he says and does is cuter everyday. And well I am chop liver when Tony is around, R just adores Tony. I know that CPS is going to make it their first priority to get the siblings in one home. Parents rights may be severed. But that will be a long road and then IF it does happen they will try to find someone that is able to take R and his two sisters. Which is how it should be, he should be with his siblings. But then my selfishness kicks in and I worry about our family and how it will affect us. How long will he stay, how attached will our kids get? Will he have to start over with a new family? How hard will it be to say goodbye? My selfish part of me says, NO I WANT HIM TO STAY!

SO with all of that I need to be praying for peace. I text earlier Tony today because I did have this feeling peace today that I am so very sure that I was created to do foster care and so grateful that I have a husband that also has such a heart for it and because of his support and how he loves and provides for us I can live out one of the purposes God has given me. Trusting in the fact that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

Never going to be able to understand

We had a fun time getting out the decorations and putting the tree up and all the lights outside. Little R was beyond excited. He is just loving the lights on our house and when we drive through the neighborhood and see them all. I would call it borderline obsessed, asking all day when we will blow up the 'NoMan' in the front yard and he has to watch it blow up. Its really cute. 

Last week he had a hard time. He left to go to a visit, its over an hour drive since they have to go pick up his little sister in Laveen and then to the CPS office. Well this time parents didn't call to cancel, they just didn't show. So he did get to see his sisters for a few minutes but then they brought him back. He seemed okay at first and he was fine but then a little bit later we were in the bathroom and he was on the potty and he said "no mommy, daddy". It broke my heart. I didn't even know what to say. I don't get stumped a lot but really didn't know exactly how to comfort him or make it positive. Every day since that day when he gets off the bus he asks if he's going to see Mommy, Daddy. And then cries and whines when I say no not today. Every night we pray as I rock him, I thank God for letting him be here in our home and letting us love him and then I pray for his Mommy and Daddy and I asked God to protect them and that they can all be together again soon. R has always loved the rocking chair and for me to rock him but now he goes to it randomly and rocks and says mommy daddy, mommy daddy. He does it when we are trying to get him dressed, when he is being silly, when he's happy or sad. Its like he loves when we pray for them. Precious boy.

Sweetest Moment Yet

First I must explain how sweet this boy is. He has stolen the hearts of our entire family. He loves to give hugs, he smiles all day, he listens, he plays. and he has recently started saying I love you too Mama is the sweetest possible voice. There's so much more I could say about him but long story short, he has my heart.

But the moment I had to make sure I wrote about is something that happened last night. Little R is so interested in the pictures we have around the house (which is a lot). He loves to look at our family year books, framed colleges, and especially the photos we have above our couch. We have a canvas of the four of us and a few pictures of the foster kids we have had. He stands on the couch and points and asks who each person is and then says wheres R (says his name)? I said yes we need to get pictures of you up here. And then he points to the canvas in between Caleb and Tony and said I want to go right there. He wants to be in our family picture!:( He wants pictures of himself around our house. He wants to looks at memories he has made. He wants to belong. We have had younger placements so this is the first one that could communicate and I feel as though he explained so very perfectly what every foster child feels but may not be able to say. He wants to belong. So incredibly sweet and sad.

I have ordered prints of him and plan on putting him around the house. He needs to know he belongs here, he is safe and loved here for however long he needs to be.

Halloween- A Fun Night!

We had such a fun night as a family with all our family and neighbors. We had some people over for Chili and Pumpkin Cake and then went out trick or treating. I love our neighborhood on Halloween. We see so many familiar faces and the kids  get so exited its impossible to not enjoy it and get a little excited as well. But no matter how much fun we had, no one had as much fun as Little R. He was so excited to get into his Batman costume and get out and get candy! This boy LOVES his candy! He walked the whole way, no complaints, went up to every house, collected his candy, and probably would have keep going. He was the happiest kid I have ever seen.

New placement!

We have been back on the list the last few weeks and have been waiting "patiently" for the call for a our next placement. So we were excited to get the call last night for a three year little boy. It was sad because the CPS workers were coming from the other side of town so we met in an IHOP parking lot to pick him up. Luckily he was asleep and didn't even wake up much for the transfer. He has two siblings, an older brother and a little sister so that breaks my heart they all had to be separated:( Last night went well, he was very tired and quiet but we were able to get him a bath, read to him, he helped tuck the big kids in bed and then we tucked him and he went right to sleep and slept all night without a peep. You wonder what is going on in their head of theirs! It must be so overwhelming. This morning he woke up happy, ate his breakfast and started running around playing with all the toys. We went to the park and he did great. He loves his backpack (the only thing he came with) and he is starting to talk more. He does have very little speech so far. I am sure this is the honeymoon stage but seems to be adjusting fine and we are so happy to have him for whatever amount of time and give him the love and consistency that he needs. Here we go again!:)

                                Look at those curls! He and Kirea could for sure pass as related!:)

give me faith..

Give me faith to trust what you say
That your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
 
I may be weak
Your spirit is strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God you never will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs5u0j0UUPc&feature=player_embedded#!


I needed this song tonight as I mourn the reality that so many kids in this world have so much hurt. Thank you God for the hope of heaven! Thank you that I will see Joslyn again.

she will be so, so missed

We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in  the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now. 

Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.  

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.

we may be saying goodbye:(

I heard from our CPS worker on baby J's case and she explained that they are going to try to move this to an "in home" case when the case goes to court on the 23rd. This means that CPS will still be involved but the kids (baby J and her baby brother) will get to go home right away. This was so hard to hear and wasn't expecting it! I know that it was possible but from everyone I talked to it seemed like it would be longer and the parents had a lot more work to do. Even the trouble we have had with the parents, we have always been rooting for them, praying for them, and wanting them all to be a family again. But its going to be so hard to say goodbye to her. She has been here for four months, but seems so much longer and she has become a part of our family. She is so comfortable and happy here. Her and Kirea have become so attached. Whenever one of them is not in the same room, each of them is asking where the other is. They fight like siblings but also love each other so much. Its going to be the hardest on Kirea when she goes. :( The judge and the parents have to agree to the in home agreement but the case worker sees it going that direction, but of course any thing could happen.

I feel as though J is a completely different child from when she came here. I do not know what her home life was like exactly, I know that her parents love her and miss her, but I have no idea what her day to day life looked like, I have a guess but of course do not know for sure. When she came she was quiet, rarely smiled, didn't eat very much, threw herself on the ground frequently in fits, ran around all the time, no boundaries, almost seemed confused on where to go and what to do, she would NEVER go near Tony. If he held her, she completely froze. She would stare off. She didn't reach for me, just sat there, frozen, it was one of the weirdest things I have seen with a child that young. She would cry if Tony raised his voice and hated when Tony play fought or wrestled with the kids. When she came she did not want to have anything to do with Kirea, she would cry if Kirea did anything for her, she was not use to other kids. She was sick all the time and woke up crying out at night with night terrors. NOW in just four months, so much has changed, its crazy to me just typing it all out how different she is. She is the happiest little thing. No more night terrors and crying out, when we go in her room in the morning she is literally jumping up and down with huge smile, she starts dancing and humming and that means she wants me to sing the 'Mr. Sun' song. She seems SO smart to me, talking so much and I feel like she understands everything I am saying to her. If I leave her for any amount of time and come home she goes crazy and runs to me and then wants to run around jumping around celebrating. Makes me feel pretty special:) She listens and has fewer and fewer fits. The biggest change has been with Tony. In just the last week started calling him Daddy, even though we call him Tony for her. Last week when he got home, she ran to him yelling Daddy. That is just huge. Tonight she brought her baby doll to him and her 'baba' and wanted Tony to feed her baby. SO sweet!

So I just get sad for her as well, she looks at us as family now too and we will just be gone:( but I know she will be happy to be with her baby brother and parents, and I have to keep telling myself its so much better for her to go now rather than later when we are all so much more attached. Its not going to be easy to say goodbye:( Prayers please for her parents, for us to be able to trust God with her future, and for our hearts.

its been awhile!

I have been a major slacker with posts. Things have been so busy with life with three kids, graduations, CIY youth camp, Tony's hamstring surgery. But I think we MAY, just may, be at the end of it and get to take a breather and enjoy some relaxing time this summer as a family. Baby J is doing really, really well. I eventually had to get to the point that I had to pull back from dealing with the parents. They were getting extremely demanding, questioning everything, and then the birth dad got very rude and hostile with our pediatrician. I was being treated like a high paid nanny that needed to do whatever they said.  It was creating so much anxiety in me it was affecting all areas of my life such as ministry, marriage and being a mom. Fostering has been much easier with that stress taken off, we did truly want to have a relationship with the birth parents and  reach out to them, love them because I can not imagine how hard what they are going through has to be. But I had to reevaluate what my role is as a foster mom and that's not to try to please the birth parents but to love baby J as our own, include her in our family, meet her needs, and continue on with our life as much as possible. That is whats best for our family and also for baby J so she does not have a foster mom that is stressed out to the max all the time. J still goes to her visits once a week and I send emails with pictures and such.

But anyhow I was really feeling the need to get back on and start blogging again, because I feel it happening..I am getting so attached.. This time took a little longer for several reasons I think, two year olds are hard! Her parents were hard, Kirea was having such a hard time, it was just such an adjustment. But now when she is gone or I am gone, I miss her terribly, I feel that connection, hard to explain, but like my heart is attached to her. She is just so smart and lovable and easy going. She is so happy and feels so comfortable here. And the way she loves Kirea is just adorable. I have no idea why she loves Kirea because Kirea can be a bossy stinker to her sometimes but I do know she loves baby J as well.

The latest status is that there is a court date at the end of July and it sounds like the lawyer is going to recommend baby J and her little baby brother get to go home and become an "in home" case where CPS is heavily involved. The only thing is I do NOT see the birth parents going along with that since they think they have done nothing wrong, so we will what happens! Just praying to be prepared for whatever happens.

Joslyn would cry and get so mad if we wrestled when she first came, now its her favorite thing to do. She loves to sit on Kirea and they just crack up. <3

the best day...

I feel like I need to follow up my last post with something positive and also just want to remember this day. First, the phone call with the parents went SO much better than what I had dreamed up or the nightmare I had in my head. The mom was very pleasant just asking how baby J was feeling and thanking me for taking good care of her. ? So I don't know if they were being fake or if they had time to cool off or what but not what I thought was going to go down after hearing what they were saying at the cps office and wrote in the note? Really just giving God the credit for their change, I have been so anxious and stressed and worried about what they would say, about protecting ourselves from allegations against us as foster parents, that I think I forgot for a minute that God is in control, he is the judge, he will fight for us, and I am just going  love any child that comes into our as I love my own kids and TRUST. (and still document EVERYTHING, hehe)

Today we stayed home ALL day, I really don't remember the last time doing this, we are always running to the store, at the gym, driving for preschool, etc. and since neither of the girls are 100% yet we stayed home and it was sooooo nice, we just played and laughed and relaxed, BOTH girls took great naps, and then when Caleb got home we played catch, swung on the swings, baths, etc. and to hear all THREE kids interacting, playing, laughing... best sound in the world!! We missed Tony but such a fun family night. At one point Kirea said (she has had a little bit of a hard time sharing me with baby J) but she said I can't believe we are ALL having so much fun. hehe not sure exactly what that means but pretty sure it means she is happy. Feeling beyond blessed tonight. :)

love the unlovable

I'm not referring to baby J, she is very lovable, considering how she was taken from home and the only parents and family she has known, just as she starts to get adjusted here, she now spends so much time in the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays being transported to and  from her parents visits, with all that she is going through, she is so easy to love. Her parents on the other hand I am having a hard time loving. I can not even imagine what they are going through having their children taken and I am trying to be sensitive, but today she sent a nasty note saying how mad she is that baby J has an ear infection and why didn't I invite them to the doctor appointment. ? She also told the case worker I waited too long to take her to the doctor and shouldn't have met up with J's baby brother at the park, etc. So they are continuing to criticize almost everything we do :( And its just so hard to not let it get to me, get angry, even a little arrogant, like REALLY you are the ones that had your children removed, my kids are DOING JUST FINE. (soooo bad and wrong I know!) So tomorrow we are suppose to have our 15  minute phone call and I am dreading it. This is one aspect I have to say I did not expect, worrying so much about what the birth parents are going to think, if they are going to be mad, having unpleasant conversations with them, etc. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think but I am going to start praying about it now, and hope I say the right thing and stand up for myself. The case worker did say that if the call gets bad then to just disconnect and no longer do the calls. Regardless of how they have been I still want to root for them, I want them to be able to the parents they want to be, that their kids deserve, I want them to be a family again.

But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

our first experience with parent visits

this morning a total stranger came and picked up baby J to take her to the cps office to see her parents again for the first time in almost 3 weeks. she was over an hour late but I get that we live far out here and also I hear that I should be grateful that there is a case aide to help with the transporting, otherwise it would be up to us to drive her. just makes me sad how confused she must be:(

about a half an hour into the visit the cps worker called and said that the parents are being difficult and they want to know why she has a diaper rash and why we aren't using A&D and why does she look so lethargic? ughhh really??? I have heard this is common, the parents want to feel like they have some sort of control. which even though its from their choices this is happening, I can not EVEN imagine what they are feeling. I did explain I left a letter to the parents and some pictures of baby J in the diaper bag that they must not have seen. this seem to help a lot to diffuse the parents and calm them down some.

when baby J was dropped off several hours later she was off for a bit, just looking around and could not get her to smile. she did seem tired but warmed up shortly after being here again. they sent a few toys for her and they just REEK of cigarettes and she smelled of it too, so it was a nice thought just may need to air the toys out some. this is all part of it. just so interesting dealing with types of people and situations that never would come across our paths without doing foster care. hoping we can be light and encouragement to all involved even when they are difficult and not very easy to love:/

ON A GOOD NOTE: we had a great easter as a family with baby J. she seems to be adjusting to our family great, I've noticed less fits (hopefully that doesn't change now that we are confusing her) but it was a great weekend! we found out that she LOVES candy:)

reality has set in..

today has been one of the harder days. so I need to vent some, so if anyone reading this is looking for encouragement or a pick me up for fostering this is NOT going to be the one to read:( I think its just really setting in the reality of the changes and sacrifices this is going to take. I think that baby girl J also had a honeymoon stage as well because last week she was happy and easy going. the last few days she has been needy, whiny, throwing fit after fit and tests us anytime we say no. it is very clear that she did not have any boundaries. so anytime I say no and redirect her, she throws herself on the ground and throws her head back. tonight we all went to try to watch tony's mom receive an award and she was being squirmy and and sat her down on the chair, she threw herself back and fell off the chair and hit her head during the award banquet with everyone staring. she we hung out in the lobby for the next hour or so. that is isn't out of the norm to have to remove an 18 month old from a quiet atmosphere but for some reason I just felt sad and alone. I think its just the reality. the reality that life is more stressful than it had been, that it is going to take a lot of patience, its going to take work to not allow it to put a strain on our marriage, my kids are getting less of me, there certain places and things we are not going to be to go and do. and it is hard missing the baby stage and going straight to the fits and the 'terrible two' behaviors. with all that being said...we knew this was part of it, we knew there would be hard times, sacrifices, adjustments, still doesn't make it easy when it actually happens. 

baby girl J deserves unconditional love, consistency, boundaries, a loving family. and I want to be that for her. she is the cutest thing and its so clear she is confused and has become more and more attached to me each day, which is cute and hard at the same time. she is slowly warming up to tony so that's good. he is so sweet with her. these hard days have caused me to realize no matter how passionate I am about this, how prepared we were, how called we felt..I can NOT do this on my own. I need to be praying constantly, leaning on God, in his word, and clinging to him when it becomes hard, at all times. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 'For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength'. Philippians 4:13 I am also so thankful for my husband that is such a huge support and lets me cry, and I have friends that have allowed me to lean on them as well, I am so blessed. 

A Day at the Park

So we have had a new placement of our 18 month old sweet little girl for almost a week now. Its funny how time flies and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer than 6 days. She is very busy and I didn't think it was phasing me much how much I have added to my "normal" life and what an adjustment having the hovering age again, but then the last two night I have fallen asleep on the couch at 9 o'clock! That's early for me, I usually go to sleep around 10:30 or 11. And I still feel tired. Overall she has been a great fit to our family. She loves to be out and about just run around anywhere she can. I think she is becoming more and more comfortable. After I rock her and sing her a few songs and we tuck her in, the first few nights she would cry and cry and now we tuck her in and not a peep. She does cry out sometimes in the middle of the night and I go in there and she is still sleeping, almost like she is having bad dreams:( She also has started eating more so that's good. Her case worker that dropped her off said she would call us Monday and still have not heard from her. So crazy to me her parents have no idea where she is. Praying for them and that they can be the parents this precious girl deserves. Until then I pray we can be what she needs.

This little girl LOVES the park and the sand. For the most part Kirea does really well with her but I have noticed that she is much more jealous this time around than she was with baby boy. I am sure it will just take some time..I hope!:)

we have a new placement!:)

well its been a crazy few days with so many calls from our agency and from cps. we had 6 different calls for 6 different babies, we said that we were available and willing to take a baby but then we never heard from the case worker. we were selected for one four month old baby boy but before we could go get him, he stopped breathing and rushed to phoenix children's hospital and we never heard about him again:( so sad to think that he is there all by himself. and I also have learned a lesson to NOT go shopping for diapers and clothes until you have the baby at your house because its never a guarantee.

but after all the different calls and the back and forth, we received a call  last night about taking an 18 month old little girl. we really had said that we wanted to stay between age 0-1 to start but went ahead to say yes. it was such a sad scene when she was dropped off. even tony said, 'this is so crazy'. it was almost eight o'clock, she was a sleep in the back of the case workers car, her baby brother was in the car seat next to her (we can only take one child, so they had to be separated) :( and then case worker handed her over to me, gave me the bag with one outfit, a few diapers, and then she left. Little Jillie (not real name) woke up as we came inside and she was so confused, she whimpered for several minutes looking at all the unfamiliar faces. then after comforting her, it did not take too long for her to warm up. so crazy to me that even though we had people over (we were having a bbq) that she knows who the foster mom is. thats how baby boy was too. she was calling me mama within the first 5 minutes. its very different to have a little bit of an older child than a baby. its so sad she is terrified of tony. anytime he talks to her or goes near her she runs to me. don't even want to think about the type of men she has been around or lives with. I guess parents have not cooperated with cps as far as drug tests, appointments, etc. so they are hoping this will be a reality check for them. so sad its at the expense of the kids. in spite of everything baby Jillie is super happy and runs around overwhelmed on what toy she wants to choose to play with. the kids love her, and she slept good last night. she will not eat anything yet, just drinks milk, hopefully we can find something she likes. prayers for this sweet girl!!

needed to see this today

just having a hard time today understanding why there are kids that don't have parents that will fight for them. its so much more real than any class you can take for foster care when there is a face and a love for one of these children. mourning for baby boy this morning that he does not get the childhood he deserves. I am so grateful for the hope of heaven today for me, everyone, and especially baby boy. this world can be hard sometimes. 

that was hard

the sibling family just came to get baby boy:( I thought that was going to be a little easier. I had my moments of being fine and then crying at random times when thinking about not having him around or when I rocked him for the last time, etc. but then with seeing him leave, ugh that's a whole different thing. I miss him. I am mainly just sad for him and him having to go through ANOTHER change. he must be confused:( he had just started to reach for me when someone else was holding him and then he would spot me in a crowd and get excited. that's hard. the new foster mom is very nice, shes been doing this for 8 years and she seems very excited to have him. but she has 3 adopted, and now 3 foster under the age of four so she has her hands full! I am sure this is normal and also a little arrogant to think but  feel like can't he stay? won't he would be better off here? but I may feel that way about any child we love and they love us. and babies are just so innocent and easy to love! I knew/know this part was part of it and it will always be hard but I guess you get use to it? that's hard to imagine. or maybe it just becomes the norm. poor kirea was fine and then she saw me crying and she started crying hysterically and reaching her arms out towards the door yelling baby boys name. woah shes not dramatic or anything! but if I was honest, she was doing what I wish I could. baby boy belongs to our God, he loves him way more than I do, he sees the big picture and I choose to trust Him. I need to continue to give him to Jesus. and its okay to be sad. I am just praying the little time he had with us helped in some way to know unconditional love, to know its okay to get attached to people that love him, and that someday he will understand how much his creator loves him. he was such a blessing to our family and I could ask for a better first placement. I miss him. we are going to go back on the list on monday and take a few good quality time days with caleb and kirea while tony is out of town. looking forward to it and praying as God prepares our next placement! 


 <3 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

the call I have been dreading

so we got the call this morning that baby boy will be leaving and going to be with his sibling at another foster home:( I had been dreading it because its going to be sad to say goodbye to him. I could not have asked for a better first placement to get us use to being a foster family. he is the sweetest thing and still so innocent. I just pray he keeps his sweet spirit through all the changes. I think this is actually going to be a great thing, he gets to be with his brother and the other foster family is going to start the process of trying to adopt the boys. thank you God! johnny could have a forever family with his brother! going to be sad and I will still worry about him, but going to trust. he will always have a special place in my heart. and praying the kids do okay because they feel in love like we all did. we know there are other babies that need love and a safe home but doesn't make us love johnny any less. I WILL MISS THOSE CHEEKS AND SMILE!!:(

truth I'm going to need to come back to

"It comes as no surprise that finding families to open their doors to the rigors of foster parenting is so hard. Fostering means knowing about things that most people would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not going to be good enough. It means knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again."

This book has been so insightful and interesting, I am sure this will be one I will be reading again and again. Highly recommend it for anyone interested in fostering!

I have the best husband

it has been a tough week for Tony and I because he ended up working way more than we expected him to on our first week of fostering and were hoping he could be home more as I adjusted. I know he felt bad and I survived it:) but this morning he called on his way home from work and said my most favorite thing he ever says to me, he said "I have been thinking about you and having a major love gush for you. Thank you so much for caring about things God cares about." ahhhh thats what I have been needing to hear. thats the encouragement I needed. everyone has been so sweet and has been SO supportive, which I am so grateful for, but I get uncomfortable and don't know what to say when they say 'this is so great you are doing this, I could never do this, you guys are so amazing, etc.'. they are being polite and encouraging, I am just hoping they see Jesus in this whole process and not us. and it just reminded me this morning after talking to Tony, we are doing this for God, it's not about me, even when the road is hard, he called us to this, and I am just so grateful my husband listened and obeyed that call. he is an amazing man. love gush!:)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

the latest

we heard from our worker yesterday afternoon and we found out the baby boy has a sibling so they are going to check with that family and see if they are willing to take him. ugh as I type that sentence I am starting to cry. I am not suppose to do this!! and so soon!:( I know that it will be awesome and for the best that he could be with a sibling. but he will be so missed, we are (me especially) already attached and in love. they may come back and say that they can't take him now but will take him at some point, not sure which will be harder, now or later. need to see the big picture and trust God. breaks my heart to think of him having to move again and be confused. this is how its going to be..please God give me the strength, this is what you called me to do, you will give me the peace.

exciting news today!!

well what I have been hoping for and praying for but felt bad for wishing for already happened yesterday! our case worker called and said that baby boy's foster parents are no longer able to take care of him and wanted to know if we wanted to take him. Umm YES! we have all fallen in love with him. now we have to just be praying that the CPS case worker approves it and says he can stay. I have heard so many awful things about CPS and they could say no over something like them not wanting to drive all way over here. they would move him to a whole new family, strangers again:( makes me so sad to think about, I feel like each day he has come further. he lets me put him down for a bit and he now doesn't scream in the bath. he is such a blessing. praying and trusting, praying and trusting..  Thank you God for this privilege and honor of loving your kids!


Deuteronomy 1:30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes.

here he is watching a learning baby show we found on nextflix, he LOVES it!:)

exhausted and in love

woah this is an adjustment. now that its been more than a few days it so funny how things that seemed important before don't matter, and what matters is SLEEP. haha. I have found that I already want to stay home and make sure we keep baby boy on a schedule and that he eats enough and naps so he will not be all mixed up and will sleep at night. so far hes done well, hope it keeps up! I have enjoyed being home more. I think I may be ruining him though for when he goes back to his original foster mom, because he cries EVERY TIME I put him down. hes so happy when I am holding him, feeding him, getting him dressed, etc. but if I put him down to play so can get some things done he cries the whole time. I feel bad because he didn't do this the first day? I don't know if this has to be attachment issues or what. I'm trying to read up on this and going to continue to meet his needs, love on him, enjoy him, and just praying it gets better for him. I get sad when I think about him going home and not getting the attention and love he deserves, but I know I should not go there, I don't know enough about his situation at the other home, I will have to trust God to take care of him. this is going to be hard! duuh..! I mean look at this smile and cheeks! lovelovelove

we made it our first day!~

woah things changed in such a sort time!:) our first placement has been such a blessing in such a short time. he smiles every time you look at him. we were able to take him to grandpas birthday party and show him off to family and all feel in love with his cheeks and smile. he was up smiling for a picture, he dropped his head on my shoulder and was asleep! it was the craziest thing, my kids would have never done that without fussing for a LONG time!:) poor boy does have really bad acid reflex and spits up a lot. and he also does not like if I leave the room. in normal circumstances if I was honest I would just let the baby cry for a bit because I knew they were feed, not sleepy, clean, have toys, etc. but in this case my heart hurts because I just think about all hes been through, how confused and scared he may be, and I just immediately go and pick him up. oh boy my arm hurts but that's okay! I am sad that he is only here for a short time but going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

ITS FINALLY HERE!

I was starting to think we would never be certified. I had been checking my email and phone like a total crazy, and its finally here! This afternoon, we met with our case workers to meet the new worker that will be taking over our case now that we are done with the licensing process and we got the email while they were here. Our new case worker probably thinks I am a nut. I started squealing! Just so excited and relieved. Then as soon as they left, we had family from Minnesota come over and I feel bad but I was so distracted, feeling all these different emotions between being elated and then to just straight scared. Then in the craziness I missed our first call we got after being on the list for less than an hour! It was an emergency placement for two babies because their foster dad is battling cancer and has to go in for emergency surgery. So sad:( We are only able to take one child or baby right now because of the amount of seats in our vehicle. So we said that we would take one baby and so we are going to meet them this morning and pick up the baby! SO excited to get our first experience even though it will be very short. Praying that this can help take some of the burden off this family and also get our family somewhat acquainted with how this will look. Today is my grandpas 94th birthday party so looks like we will have an extra guest to help celebrate. My poor cute grandpa is going to be so confused. Here we go...

Going to give this a try...

Okay so I have never been great at keep up on our family blog. I don't even understand how to follow blogs and get updates and then have others follow mine?? Going to work on figuring that out. But I am hoping to keep this blog updated as we go on this journey of foster care. We are getting to close to being done with the LONG process of being licensed and the placed on the list as being ready for placements! We have learned so much in these last several months about what it means to be foster parents. We worked with a great private agency and our case worker has been wonderful. Besides the LOADS of paper work, allowing strangers to come into our lives over turn every rock to try to find a reason why we are not suited foster parents (they just don't want to miss anything and put a child in harm, which I get), the WAITING, the few roadblocks, it has been a GOOD experience. We have learned more about ourselves as parents. Through some behavior and teacher issues we have had with our son, we have also learned that parenting is actually very simple. Consistency and TRUST. Consistency in meeting needs, loving them, showing them Jesus by how we live, and at this age especially, consistency in discipline. Then trusting God with the result of our parenting. SIMPLE right?? I said simple, NOT EASY.

But we are getting VERY excited to start this journey and parent children that are in need of unconditional love and stability until their families can be that for them. Many people ask us WHY or WHAT made us want to do this, so to share that quickly... I feel as though it was placed on my heart when I was pretty young. I have always had a love for children like many do but I especially had a heart and could spot those that needed some extra love. When I was a preteen and into my teen years I loved to take care of my young cousin Brittany, she was the cutest thing and her parents were going through a tough time. So I loved to have her over for sleepovers, buy her new outfits and just love on her. One Christmas when I was in high school Brittany was going to spend the night at Christmas Eve, her parents were not able to do much for her and her brothers for gifts for Christmas so I went and spent my money I had made that week waitressing and bought her gifts to have under the tree. I had to share that story because it is still to this day one of my fondest memories I have ever had and it is when I learned what a blessing it is to be able to sacrifice and give. But its crazy how God works, little did I know that He put her on my heart so heavy is because she would be coming to live with Tony and I eight years later. She lived with us for four years before heading off to college. Tony and I had only been married for three year and our son was 4 months old. So it was interesting for sure to have a teenager living with us but God is so good and it was such a blessing through all the highs and lows. She is such an amazing girl, we are so proud of her! So after that story to sum it up. This is something God has put on both our hearts and we know it breaks Gods heart that there are children out there not being loved, so in turn it breaks ours as well. My favorite lyric from Hosanna, Break my Heart for What Breaks Yours. He has done that and we are being obedient to that call.

I know there is going to be hard times with this, I won't truly know how hard until we get there but I am trying to not be anxious and trust. I know He will see us through. I am trying to learn as much as possible and read every horror story about dealing with difficult birth parents, overworked case worker, the somewhat messed up CPS system, and it could get a person freaked out! But I know that this is in God's hands. We have so many people in our lives that are supporting us and praying for us and we are SO grateful.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7