We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now.
Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.
Isaiah 41:10 fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand.
Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.
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