she will be so, so missed

We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in  the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now. 

Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.  

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.

we may be saying goodbye:(

I heard from our CPS worker on baby J's case and she explained that they are going to try to move this to an "in home" case when the case goes to court on the 23rd. This means that CPS will still be involved but the kids (baby J and her baby brother) will get to go home right away. This was so hard to hear and wasn't expecting it! I know that it was possible but from everyone I talked to it seemed like it would be longer and the parents had a lot more work to do. Even the trouble we have had with the parents, we have always been rooting for them, praying for them, and wanting them all to be a family again. But its going to be so hard to say goodbye to her. She has been here for four months, but seems so much longer and she has become a part of our family. She is so comfortable and happy here. Her and Kirea have become so attached. Whenever one of them is not in the same room, each of them is asking where the other is. They fight like siblings but also love each other so much. Its going to be the hardest on Kirea when she goes. :( The judge and the parents have to agree to the in home agreement but the case worker sees it going that direction, but of course any thing could happen.

I feel as though J is a completely different child from when she came here. I do not know what her home life was like exactly, I know that her parents love her and miss her, but I have no idea what her day to day life looked like, I have a guess but of course do not know for sure. When she came she was quiet, rarely smiled, didn't eat very much, threw herself on the ground frequently in fits, ran around all the time, no boundaries, almost seemed confused on where to go and what to do, she would NEVER go near Tony. If he held her, she completely froze. She would stare off. She didn't reach for me, just sat there, frozen, it was one of the weirdest things I have seen with a child that young. She would cry if Tony raised his voice and hated when Tony play fought or wrestled with the kids. When she came she did not want to have anything to do with Kirea, she would cry if Kirea did anything for her, she was not use to other kids. She was sick all the time and woke up crying out at night with night terrors. NOW in just four months, so much has changed, its crazy to me just typing it all out how different she is. She is the happiest little thing. No more night terrors and crying out, when we go in her room in the morning she is literally jumping up and down with huge smile, she starts dancing and humming and that means she wants me to sing the 'Mr. Sun' song. She seems SO smart to me, talking so much and I feel like she understands everything I am saying to her. If I leave her for any amount of time and come home she goes crazy and runs to me and then wants to run around jumping around celebrating. Makes me feel pretty special:) She listens and has fewer and fewer fits. The biggest change has been with Tony. In just the last week started calling him Daddy, even though we call him Tony for her. Last week when he got home, she ran to him yelling Daddy. That is just huge. Tonight she brought her baby doll to him and her 'baba' and wanted Tony to feed her baby. SO sweet!

So I just get sad for her as well, she looks at us as family now too and we will just be gone:( but I know she will be happy to be with her baby brother and parents, and I have to keep telling myself its so much better for her to go now rather than later when we are all so much more attached. Its not going to be easy to say goodbye:( Prayers please for her parents, for us to be able to trust God with her future, and for our hearts.

its been awhile!

I have been a major slacker with posts. Things have been so busy with life with three kids, graduations, CIY youth camp, Tony's hamstring surgery. But I think we MAY, just may, be at the end of it and get to take a breather and enjoy some relaxing time this summer as a family. Baby J is doing really, really well. I eventually had to get to the point that I had to pull back from dealing with the parents. They were getting extremely demanding, questioning everything, and then the birth dad got very rude and hostile with our pediatrician. I was being treated like a high paid nanny that needed to do whatever they said.  It was creating so much anxiety in me it was affecting all areas of my life such as ministry, marriage and being a mom. Fostering has been much easier with that stress taken off, we did truly want to have a relationship with the birth parents and  reach out to them, love them because I can not imagine how hard what they are going through has to be. But I had to reevaluate what my role is as a foster mom and that's not to try to please the birth parents but to love baby J as our own, include her in our family, meet her needs, and continue on with our life as much as possible. That is whats best for our family and also for baby J so she does not have a foster mom that is stressed out to the max all the time. J still goes to her visits once a week and I send emails with pictures and such.

But anyhow I was really feeling the need to get back on and start blogging again, because I feel it happening..I am getting so attached.. This time took a little longer for several reasons I think, two year olds are hard! Her parents were hard, Kirea was having such a hard time, it was just such an adjustment. But now when she is gone or I am gone, I miss her terribly, I feel that connection, hard to explain, but like my heart is attached to her. She is just so smart and lovable and easy going. She is so happy and feels so comfortable here. And the way she loves Kirea is just adorable. I have no idea why she loves Kirea because Kirea can be a bossy stinker to her sometimes but I do know she loves baby J as well.

The latest status is that there is a court date at the end of July and it sounds like the lawyer is going to recommend baby J and her little baby brother get to go home and become an "in home" case where CPS is heavily involved. The only thing is I do NOT see the birth parents going along with that since they think they have done nothing wrong, so we will what happens! Just praying to be prepared for whatever happens.

Joslyn would cry and get so mad if we wrestled when she first came, now its her favorite thing to do. She loves to sit on Kirea and they just crack up. <3

the best day...

I feel like I need to follow up my last post with something positive and also just want to remember this day. First, the phone call with the parents went SO much better than what I had dreamed up or the nightmare I had in my head. The mom was very pleasant just asking how baby J was feeling and thanking me for taking good care of her. ? So I don't know if they were being fake or if they had time to cool off or what but not what I thought was going to go down after hearing what they were saying at the cps office and wrote in the note? Really just giving God the credit for their change, I have been so anxious and stressed and worried about what they would say, about protecting ourselves from allegations against us as foster parents, that I think I forgot for a minute that God is in control, he is the judge, he will fight for us, and I am just going  love any child that comes into our as I love my own kids and TRUST. (and still document EVERYTHING, hehe)

Today we stayed home ALL day, I really don't remember the last time doing this, we are always running to the store, at the gym, driving for preschool, etc. and since neither of the girls are 100% yet we stayed home and it was sooooo nice, we just played and laughed and relaxed, BOTH girls took great naps, and then when Caleb got home we played catch, swung on the swings, baths, etc. and to hear all THREE kids interacting, playing, laughing... best sound in the world!! We missed Tony but such a fun family night. At one point Kirea said (she has had a little bit of a hard time sharing me with baby J) but she said I can't believe we are ALL having so much fun. hehe not sure exactly what that means but pretty sure it means she is happy. Feeling beyond blessed tonight. :)

love the unlovable

I'm not referring to baby J, she is very lovable, considering how she was taken from home and the only parents and family she has known, just as she starts to get adjusted here, she now spends so much time in the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays being transported to and  from her parents visits, with all that she is going through, she is so easy to love. Her parents on the other hand I am having a hard time loving. I can not even imagine what they are going through having their children taken and I am trying to be sensitive, but today she sent a nasty note saying how mad she is that baby J has an ear infection and why didn't I invite them to the doctor appointment. ? She also told the case worker I waited too long to take her to the doctor and shouldn't have met up with J's baby brother at the park, etc. So they are continuing to criticize almost everything we do :( And its just so hard to not let it get to me, get angry, even a little arrogant, like REALLY you are the ones that had your children removed, my kids are DOING JUST FINE. (soooo bad and wrong I know!) So tomorrow we are suppose to have our 15  minute phone call and I am dreading it. This is one aspect I have to say I did not expect, worrying so much about what the birth parents are going to think, if they are going to be mad, having unpleasant conversations with them, etc. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think but I am going to start praying about it now, and hope I say the right thing and stand up for myself. The case worker did say that if the call gets bad then to just disconnect and no longer do the calls. Regardless of how they have been I still want to root for them, I want them to be able to the parents they want to be, that their kids deserve, I want them to be a family again.

But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

our first experience with parent visits

this morning a total stranger came and picked up baby J to take her to the cps office to see her parents again for the first time in almost 3 weeks. she was over an hour late but I get that we live far out here and also I hear that I should be grateful that there is a case aide to help with the transporting, otherwise it would be up to us to drive her. just makes me sad how confused she must be:(

about a half an hour into the visit the cps worker called and said that the parents are being difficult and they want to know why she has a diaper rash and why we aren't using A&D and why does she look so lethargic? ughhh really??? I have heard this is common, the parents want to feel like they have some sort of control. which even though its from their choices this is happening, I can not EVEN imagine what they are feeling. I did explain I left a letter to the parents and some pictures of baby J in the diaper bag that they must not have seen. this seem to help a lot to diffuse the parents and calm them down some.

when baby J was dropped off several hours later she was off for a bit, just looking around and could not get her to smile. she did seem tired but warmed up shortly after being here again. they sent a few toys for her and they just REEK of cigarettes and she smelled of it too, so it was a nice thought just may need to air the toys out some. this is all part of it. just so interesting dealing with types of people and situations that never would come across our paths without doing foster care. hoping we can be light and encouragement to all involved even when they are difficult and not very easy to love:/

ON A GOOD NOTE: we had a great easter as a family with baby J. she seems to be adjusting to our family great, I've noticed less fits (hopefully that doesn't change now that we are confusing her) but it was a great weekend! we found out that she LOVES candy:)

reality has set in..

today has been one of the harder days. so I need to vent some, so if anyone reading this is looking for encouragement or a pick me up for fostering this is NOT going to be the one to read:( I think its just really setting in the reality of the changes and sacrifices this is going to take. I think that baby girl J also had a honeymoon stage as well because last week she was happy and easy going. the last few days she has been needy, whiny, throwing fit after fit and tests us anytime we say no. it is very clear that she did not have any boundaries. so anytime I say no and redirect her, she throws herself on the ground and throws her head back. tonight we all went to try to watch tony's mom receive an award and she was being squirmy and and sat her down on the chair, she threw herself back and fell off the chair and hit her head during the award banquet with everyone staring. she we hung out in the lobby for the next hour or so. that is isn't out of the norm to have to remove an 18 month old from a quiet atmosphere but for some reason I just felt sad and alone. I think its just the reality. the reality that life is more stressful than it had been, that it is going to take a lot of patience, its going to take work to not allow it to put a strain on our marriage, my kids are getting less of me, there certain places and things we are not going to be to go and do. and it is hard missing the baby stage and going straight to the fits and the 'terrible two' behaviors. with all that being said...we knew this was part of it, we knew there would be hard times, sacrifices, adjustments, still doesn't make it easy when it actually happens. 

baby girl J deserves unconditional love, consistency, boundaries, a loving family. and I want to be that for her. she is the cutest thing and its so clear she is confused and has become more and more attached to me each day, which is cute and hard at the same time. she is slowly warming up to tony so that's good. he is so sweet with her. these hard days have caused me to realize no matter how passionate I am about this, how prepared we were, how called we felt..I can NOT do this on my own. I need to be praying constantly, leaning on God, in his word, and clinging to him when it becomes hard, at all times. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 'For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength'. Philippians 4:13 I am also so thankful for my husband that is such a huge support and lets me cry, and I have friends that have allowed me to lean on them as well, I am so blessed.