A Day at the Park

So we have had a new placement of our 18 month old sweet little girl for almost a week now. Its funny how time flies and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer than 6 days. She is very busy and I didn't think it was phasing me much how much I have added to my "normal" life and what an adjustment having the hovering age again, but then the last two night I have fallen asleep on the couch at 9 o'clock! That's early for me, I usually go to sleep around 10:30 or 11. And I still feel tired. Overall she has been a great fit to our family. She loves to be out and about just run around anywhere she can. I think she is becoming more and more comfortable. After I rock her and sing her a few songs and we tuck her in, the first few nights she would cry and cry and now we tuck her in and not a peep. She does cry out sometimes in the middle of the night and I go in there and she is still sleeping, almost like she is having bad dreams:( She also has started eating more so that's good. Her case worker that dropped her off said she would call us Monday and still have not heard from her. So crazy to me her parents have no idea where she is. Praying for them and that they can be the parents this precious girl deserves. Until then I pray we can be what she needs.

This little girl LOVES the park and the sand. For the most part Kirea does really well with her but I have noticed that she is much more jealous this time around than she was with baby boy. I am sure it will just take some time..I hope!:)

we have a new placement!:)

well its been a crazy few days with so many calls from our agency and from cps. we had 6 different calls for 6 different babies, we said that we were available and willing to take a baby but then we never heard from the case worker. we were selected for one four month old baby boy but before we could go get him, he stopped breathing and rushed to phoenix children's hospital and we never heard about him again:( so sad to think that he is there all by himself. and I also have learned a lesson to NOT go shopping for diapers and clothes until you have the baby at your house because its never a guarantee.

but after all the different calls and the back and forth, we received a call  last night about taking an 18 month old little girl. we really had said that we wanted to stay between age 0-1 to start but went ahead to say yes. it was such a sad scene when she was dropped off. even tony said, 'this is so crazy'. it was almost eight o'clock, she was a sleep in the back of the case workers car, her baby brother was in the car seat next to her (we can only take one child, so they had to be separated) :( and then case worker handed her over to me, gave me the bag with one outfit, a few diapers, and then she left. Little Jillie (not real name) woke up as we came inside and she was so confused, she whimpered for several minutes looking at all the unfamiliar faces. then after comforting her, it did not take too long for her to warm up. so crazy to me that even though we had people over (we were having a bbq) that she knows who the foster mom is. thats how baby boy was too. she was calling me mama within the first 5 minutes. its very different to have a little bit of an older child than a baby. its so sad she is terrified of tony. anytime he talks to her or goes near her she runs to me. don't even want to think about the type of men she has been around or lives with. I guess parents have not cooperated with cps as far as drug tests, appointments, etc. so they are hoping this will be a reality check for them. so sad its at the expense of the kids. in spite of everything baby Jillie is super happy and runs around overwhelmed on what toy she wants to choose to play with. the kids love her, and she slept good last night. she will not eat anything yet, just drinks milk, hopefully we can find something she likes. prayers for this sweet girl!!

needed to see this today

just having a hard time today understanding why there are kids that don't have parents that will fight for them. its so much more real than any class you can take for foster care when there is a face and a love for one of these children. mourning for baby boy this morning that he does not get the childhood he deserves. I am so grateful for the hope of heaven today for me, everyone, and especially baby boy. this world can be hard sometimes. 

that was hard

the sibling family just came to get baby boy:( I thought that was going to be a little easier. I had my moments of being fine and then crying at random times when thinking about not having him around or when I rocked him for the last time, etc. but then with seeing him leave, ugh that's a whole different thing. I miss him. I am mainly just sad for him and him having to go through ANOTHER change. he must be confused:( he had just started to reach for me when someone else was holding him and then he would spot me in a crowd and get excited. that's hard. the new foster mom is very nice, shes been doing this for 8 years and she seems very excited to have him. but she has 3 adopted, and now 3 foster under the age of four so she has her hands full! I am sure this is normal and also a little arrogant to think but  feel like can't he stay? won't he would be better off here? but I may feel that way about any child we love and they love us. and babies are just so innocent and easy to love! I knew/know this part was part of it and it will always be hard but I guess you get use to it? that's hard to imagine. or maybe it just becomes the norm. poor kirea was fine and then she saw me crying and she started crying hysterically and reaching her arms out towards the door yelling baby boys name. woah shes not dramatic or anything! but if I was honest, she was doing what I wish I could. baby boy belongs to our God, he loves him way more than I do, he sees the big picture and I choose to trust Him. I need to continue to give him to Jesus. and its okay to be sad. I am just praying the little time he had with us helped in some way to know unconditional love, to know its okay to get attached to people that love him, and that someday he will understand how much his creator loves him. he was such a blessing to our family and I could ask for a better first placement. I miss him. we are going to go back on the list on monday and take a few good quality time days with caleb and kirea while tony is out of town. looking forward to it and praying as God prepares our next placement! 


 <3 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

the call I have been dreading

so we got the call this morning that baby boy will be leaving and going to be with his sibling at another foster home:( I had been dreading it because its going to be sad to say goodbye to him. I could not have asked for a better first placement to get us use to being a foster family. he is the sweetest thing and still so innocent. I just pray he keeps his sweet spirit through all the changes. I think this is actually going to be a great thing, he gets to be with his brother and the other foster family is going to start the process of trying to adopt the boys. thank you God! johnny could have a forever family with his brother! going to be sad and I will still worry about him, but going to trust. he will always have a special place in my heart. and praying the kids do okay because they feel in love like we all did. we know there are other babies that need love and a safe home but doesn't make us love johnny any less. I WILL MISS THOSE CHEEKS AND SMILE!!:(

truth I'm going to need to come back to

"It comes as no surprise that finding families to open their doors to the rigors of foster parenting is so hard. Fostering means knowing about things that most people would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not going to be good enough. It means knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again."

This book has been so insightful and interesting, I am sure this will be one I will be reading again and again. Highly recommend it for anyone interested in fostering!

I have the best husband

it has been a tough week for Tony and I because he ended up working way more than we expected him to on our first week of fostering and were hoping he could be home more as I adjusted. I know he felt bad and I survived it:) but this morning he called on his way home from work and said my most favorite thing he ever says to me, he said "I have been thinking about you and having a major love gush for you. Thank you so much for caring about things God cares about." ahhhh thats what I have been needing to hear. thats the encouragement I needed. everyone has been so sweet and has been SO supportive, which I am so grateful for, but I get uncomfortable and don't know what to say when they say 'this is so great you are doing this, I could never do this, you guys are so amazing, etc.'. they are being polite and encouraging, I am just hoping they see Jesus in this whole process and not us. and it just reminded me this morning after talking to Tony, we are doing this for God, it's not about me, even when the road is hard, he called us to this, and I am just so grateful my husband listened and obeyed that call. he is an amazing man. love gush!:)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

the latest

we heard from our worker yesterday afternoon and we found out the baby boy has a sibling so they are going to check with that family and see if they are willing to take him. ugh as I type that sentence I am starting to cry. I am not suppose to do this!! and so soon!:( I know that it will be awesome and for the best that he could be with a sibling. but he will be so missed, we are (me especially) already attached and in love. they may come back and say that they can't take him now but will take him at some point, not sure which will be harder, now or later. need to see the big picture and trust God. breaks my heart to think of him having to move again and be confused. this is how its going to be..please God give me the strength, this is what you called me to do, you will give me the peace.

exciting news today!!

well what I have been hoping for and praying for but felt bad for wishing for already happened yesterday! our case worker called and said that baby boy's foster parents are no longer able to take care of him and wanted to know if we wanted to take him. Umm YES! we have all fallen in love with him. now we have to just be praying that the CPS case worker approves it and says he can stay. I have heard so many awful things about CPS and they could say no over something like them not wanting to drive all way over here. they would move him to a whole new family, strangers again:( makes me so sad to think about, I feel like each day he has come further. he lets me put him down for a bit and he now doesn't scream in the bath. he is such a blessing. praying and trusting, praying and trusting..  Thank you God for this privilege and honor of loving your kids!


Deuteronomy 1:30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes.

here he is watching a learning baby show we found on nextflix, he LOVES it!:)

exhausted and in love

woah this is an adjustment. now that its been more than a few days it so funny how things that seemed important before don't matter, and what matters is SLEEP. haha. I have found that I already want to stay home and make sure we keep baby boy on a schedule and that he eats enough and naps so he will not be all mixed up and will sleep at night. so far hes done well, hope it keeps up! I have enjoyed being home more. I think I may be ruining him though for when he goes back to his original foster mom, because he cries EVERY TIME I put him down. hes so happy when I am holding him, feeding him, getting him dressed, etc. but if I put him down to play so can get some things done he cries the whole time. I feel bad because he didn't do this the first day? I don't know if this has to be attachment issues or what. I'm trying to read up on this and going to continue to meet his needs, love on him, enjoy him, and just praying it gets better for him. I get sad when I think about him going home and not getting the attention and love he deserves, but I know I should not go there, I don't know enough about his situation at the other home, I will have to trust God to take care of him. this is going to be hard! duuh..! I mean look at this smile and cheeks! lovelovelove

we made it our first day!~

woah things changed in such a sort time!:) our first placement has been such a blessing in such a short time. he smiles every time you look at him. we were able to take him to grandpas birthday party and show him off to family and all feel in love with his cheeks and smile. he was up smiling for a picture, he dropped his head on my shoulder and was asleep! it was the craziest thing, my kids would have never done that without fussing for a LONG time!:) poor boy does have really bad acid reflex and spits up a lot. and he also does not like if I leave the room. in normal circumstances if I was honest I would just let the baby cry for a bit because I knew they were feed, not sleepy, clean, have toys, etc. but in this case my heart hurts because I just think about all hes been through, how confused and scared he may be, and I just immediately go and pick him up. oh boy my arm hurts but that's okay! I am sad that he is only here for a short time but going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

ITS FINALLY HERE!

I was starting to think we would never be certified. I had been checking my email and phone like a total crazy, and its finally here! This afternoon, we met with our case workers to meet the new worker that will be taking over our case now that we are done with the licensing process and we got the email while they were here. Our new case worker probably thinks I am a nut. I started squealing! Just so excited and relieved. Then as soon as they left, we had family from Minnesota come over and I feel bad but I was so distracted, feeling all these different emotions between being elated and then to just straight scared. Then in the craziness I missed our first call we got after being on the list for less than an hour! It was an emergency placement for two babies because their foster dad is battling cancer and has to go in for emergency surgery. So sad:( We are only able to take one child or baby right now because of the amount of seats in our vehicle. So we said that we would take one baby and so we are going to meet them this morning and pick up the baby! SO excited to get our first experience even though it will be very short. Praying that this can help take some of the burden off this family and also get our family somewhat acquainted with how this will look. Today is my grandpas 94th birthday party so looks like we will have an extra guest to help celebrate. My poor cute grandpa is going to be so confused. Here we go...