its been awhile!

I have been a major slacker with posts. Things have been so busy with life with three kids, graduations, CIY youth camp, Tony's hamstring surgery. But I think we MAY, just may, be at the end of it and get to take a breather and enjoy some relaxing time this summer as a family. Baby J is doing really, really well. I eventually had to get to the point that I had to pull back from dealing with the parents. They were getting extremely demanding, questioning everything, and then the birth dad got very rude and hostile with our pediatrician. I was being treated like a high paid nanny that needed to do whatever they said.  It was creating so much anxiety in me it was affecting all areas of my life such as ministry, marriage and being a mom. Fostering has been much easier with that stress taken off, we did truly want to have a relationship with the birth parents and  reach out to them, love them because I can not imagine how hard what they are going through has to be. But I had to reevaluate what my role is as a foster mom and that's not to try to please the birth parents but to love baby J as our own, include her in our family, meet her needs, and continue on with our life as much as possible. That is whats best for our family and also for baby J so she does not have a foster mom that is stressed out to the max all the time. J still goes to her visits once a week and I send emails with pictures and such.

But anyhow I was really feeling the need to get back on and start blogging again, because I feel it happening..I am getting so attached.. This time took a little longer for several reasons I think, two year olds are hard! Her parents were hard, Kirea was having such a hard time, it was just such an adjustment. But now when she is gone or I am gone, I miss her terribly, I feel that connection, hard to explain, but like my heart is attached to her. She is just so smart and lovable and easy going. She is so happy and feels so comfortable here. And the way she loves Kirea is just adorable. I have no idea why she loves Kirea because Kirea can be a bossy stinker to her sometimes but I do know she loves baby J as well.

The latest status is that there is a court date at the end of July and it sounds like the lawyer is going to recommend baby J and her little baby brother get to go home and become an "in home" case where CPS is heavily involved. The only thing is I do NOT see the birth parents going along with that since they think they have done nothing wrong, so we will what happens! Just praying to be prepared for whatever happens.

Joslyn would cry and get so mad if we wrestled when she first came, now its her favorite thing to do. She loves to sit on Kirea and they just crack up. <3

the best day...

I feel like I need to follow up my last post with something positive and also just want to remember this day. First, the phone call with the parents went SO much better than what I had dreamed up or the nightmare I had in my head. The mom was very pleasant just asking how baby J was feeling and thanking me for taking good care of her. ? So I don't know if they were being fake or if they had time to cool off or what but not what I thought was going to go down after hearing what they were saying at the cps office and wrote in the note? Really just giving God the credit for their change, I have been so anxious and stressed and worried about what they would say, about protecting ourselves from allegations against us as foster parents, that I think I forgot for a minute that God is in control, he is the judge, he will fight for us, and I am just going  love any child that comes into our as I love my own kids and TRUST. (and still document EVERYTHING, hehe)

Today we stayed home ALL day, I really don't remember the last time doing this, we are always running to the store, at the gym, driving for preschool, etc. and since neither of the girls are 100% yet we stayed home and it was sooooo nice, we just played and laughed and relaxed, BOTH girls took great naps, and then when Caleb got home we played catch, swung on the swings, baths, etc. and to hear all THREE kids interacting, playing, laughing... best sound in the world!! We missed Tony but such a fun family night. At one point Kirea said (she has had a little bit of a hard time sharing me with baby J) but she said I can't believe we are ALL having so much fun. hehe not sure exactly what that means but pretty sure it means she is happy. Feeling beyond blessed tonight. :)

love the unlovable

I'm not referring to baby J, she is very lovable, considering how she was taken from home and the only parents and family she has known, just as she starts to get adjusted here, she now spends so much time in the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays being transported to and  from her parents visits, with all that she is going through, she is so easy to love. Her parents on the other hand I am having a hard time loving. I can not even imagine what they are going through having their children taken and I am trying to be sensitive, but today she sent a nasty note saying how mad she is that baby J has an ear infection and why didn't I invite them to the doctor appointment. ? She also told the case worker I waited too long to take her to the doctor and shouldn't have met up with J's baby brother at the park, etc. So they are continuing to criticize almost everything we do :( And its just so hard to not let it get to me, get angry, even a little arrogant, like REALLY you are the ones that had your children removed, my kids are DOING JUST FINE. (soooo bad and wrong I know!) So tomorrow we are suppose to have our 15  minute phone call and I am dreading it. This is one aspect I have to say I did not expect, worrying so much about what the birth parents are going to think, if they are going to be mad, having unpleasant conversations with them, etc. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think but I am going to start praying about it now, and hope I say the right thing and stand up for myself. The case worker did say that if the call gets bad then to just disconnect and no longer do the calls. Regardless of how they have been I still want to root for them, I want them to be able to the parents they want to be, that their kids deserve, I want them to be a family again.

But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

our first experience with parent visits

this morning a total stranger came and picked up baby J to take her to the cps office to see her parents again for the first time in almost 3 weeks. she was over an hour late but I get that we live far out here and also I hear that I should be grateful that there is a case aide to help with the transporting, otherwise it would be up to us to drive her. just makes me sad how confused she must be:(

about a half an hour into the visit the cps worker called and said that the parents are being difficult and they want to know why she has a diaper rash and why we aren't using A&D and why does she look so lethargic? ughhh really??? I have heard this is common, the parents want to feel like they have some sort of control. which even though its from their choices this is happening, I can not EVEN imagine what they are feeling. I did explain I left a letter to the parents and some pictures of baby J in the diaper bag that they must not have seen. this seem to help a lot to diffuse the parents and calm them down some.

when baby J was dropped off several hours later she was off for a bit, just looking around and could not get her to smile. she did seem tired but warmed up shortly after being here again. they sent a few toys for her and they just REEK of cigarettes and she smelled of it too, so it was a nice thought just may need to air the toys out some. this is all part of it. just so interesting dealing with types of people and situations that never would come across our paths without doing foster care. hoping we can be light and encouragement to all involved even when they are difficult and not very easy to love:/

ON A GOOD NOTE: we had a great easter as a family with baby J. she seems to be adjusting to our family great, I've noticed less fits (hopefully that doesn't change now that we are confusing her) but it was a great weekend! we found out that she LOVES candy:)

reality has set in..

today has been one of the harder days. so I need to vent some, so if anyone reading this is looking for encouragement or a pick me up for fostering this is NOT going to be the one to read:( I think its just really setting in the reality of the changes and sacrifices this is going to take. I think that baby girl J also had a honeymoon stage as well because last week she was happy and easy going. the last few days she has been needy, whiny, throwing fit after fit and tests us anytime we say no. it is very clear that she did not have any boundaries. so anytime I say no and redirect her, she throws herself on the ground and throws her head back. tonight we all went to try to watch tony's mom receive an award and she was being squirmy and and sat her down on the chair, she threw herself back and fell off the chair and hit her head during the award banquet with everyone staring. she we hung out in the lobby for the next hour or so. that is isn't out of the norm to have to remove an 18 month old from a quiet atmosphere but for some reason I just felt sad and alone. I think its just the reality. the reality that life is more stressful than it had been, that it is going to take a lot of patience, its going to take work to not allow it to put a strain on our marriage, my kids are getting less of me, there certain places and things we are not going to be to go and do. and it is hard missing the baby stage and going straight to the fits and the 'terrible two' behaviors. with all that being said...we knew this was part of it, we knew there would be hard times, sacrifices, adjustments, still doesn't make it easy when it actually happens. 

baby girl J deserves unconditional love, consistency, boundaries, a loving family. and I want to be that for her. she is the cutest thing and its so clear she is confused and has become more and more attached to me each day, which is cute and hard at the same time. she is slowly warming up to tony so that's good. he is so sweet with her. these hard days have caused me to realize no matter how passionate I am about this, how prepared we were, how called we felt..I can NOT do this on my own. I need to be praying constantly, leaning on God, in his word, and clinging to him when it becomes hard, at all times. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 'For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength'. Philippians 4:13 I am also so thankful for my husband that is such a huge support and lets me cry, and I have friends that have allowed me to lean on them as well, I am so blessed. 

A Day at the Park

So we have had a new placement of our 18 month old sweet little girl for almost a week now. Its funny how time flies and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer than 6 days. She is very busy and I didn't think it was phasing me much how much I have added to my "normal" life and what an adjustment having the hovering age again, but then the last two night I have fallen asleep on the couch at 9 o'clock! That's early for me, I usually go to sleep around 10:30 or 11. And I still feel tired. Overall she has been a great fit to our family. She loves to be out and about just run around anywhere she can. I think she is becoming more and more comfortable. After I rock her and sing her a few songs and we tuck her in, the first few nights she would cry and cry and now we tuck her in and not a peep. She does cry out sometimes in the middle of the night and I go in there and she is still sleeping, almost like she is having bad dreams:( She also has started eating more so that's good. Her case worker that dropped her off said she would call us Monday and still have not heard from her. So crazy to me her parents have no idea where she is. Praying for them and that they can be the parents this precious girl deserves. Until then I pray we can be what she needs.

This little girl LOVES the park and the sand. For the most part Kirea does really well with her but I have noticed that she is much more jealous this time around than she was with baby boy. I am sure it will just take some time..I hope!:)

we have a new placement!:)

well its been a crazy few days with so many calls from our agency and from cps. we had 6 different calls for 6 different babies, we said that we were available and willing to take a baby but then we never heard from the case worker. we were selected for one four month old baby boy but before we could go get him, he stopped breathing and rushed to phoenix children's hospital and we never heard about him again:( so sad to think that he is there all by himself. and I also have learned a lesson to NOT go shopping for diapers and clothes until you have the baby at your house because its never a guarantee.

but after all the different calls and the back and forth, we received a call  last night about taking an 18 month old little girl. we really had said that we wanted to stay between age 0-1 to start but went ahead to say yes. it was such a sad scene when she was dropped off. even tony said, 'this is so crazy'. it was almost eight o'clock, she was a sleep in the back of the case workers car, her baby brother was in the car seat next to her (we can only take one child, so they had to be separated) :( and then case worker handed her over to me, gave me the bag with one outfit, a few diapers, and then she left. Little Jillie (not real name) woke up as we came inside and she was so confused, she whimpered for several minutes looking at all the unfamiliar faces. then after comforting her, it did not take too long for her to warm up. so crazy to me that even though we had people over (we were having a bbq) that she knows who the foster mom is. thats how baby boy was too. she was calling me mama within the first 5 minutes. its very different to have a little bit of an older child than a baby. its so sad she is terrified of tony. anytime he talks to her or goes near her she runs to me. don't even want to think about the type of men she has been around or lives with. I guess parents have not cooperated with cps as far as drug tests, appointments, etc. so they are hoping this will be a reality check for them. so sad its at the expense of the kids. in spite of everything baby Jillie is super happy and runs around overwhelmed on what toy she wants to choose to play with. the kids love her, and she slept good last night. she will not eat anything yet, just drinks milk, hopefully we can find something she likes. prayers for this sweet girl!!