I want to eat him up!

I am feeling the need to write because I am getting to that point where I am falling so in love that I am getting scared and sad:( NEED TO STOP. I am suppose to fall in love with him and love him as my own. He deserves that. He has officially become a part of our family around our house. Caleb told him I think 6 times tonight that he loves him, Kirea gets sad when he leaves for school and she told her friends to be nice to her little brother today, and for me now all through the day I just have that sudden surge that I just want to grab him and hold him and kiss and hug him just as I do with my own kids. I find the things he says and does is cuter everyday. And well I am chop liver when Tony is around, R just adores Tony. I know that CPS is going to make it their first priority to get the siblings in one home. Parents rights may be severed. But that will be a long road and then IF it does happen they will try to find someone that is able to take R and his two sisters. Which is how it should be, he should be with his siblings. But then my selfishness kicks in and I worry about our family and how it will affect us. How long will he stay, how attached will our kids get? Will he have to start over with a new family? How hard will it be to say goodbye? My selfish part of me says, NO I WANT HIM TO STAY!

SO with all of that I need to be praying for peace. I text earlier Tony today because I did have this feeling peace today that I am so very sure that I was created to do foster care and so grateful that I have a husband that also has such a heart for it and because of his support and how he loves and provides for us I can live out one of the purposes God has given me. Trusting in the fact that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

Never going to be able to understand

We had a fun time getting out the decorations and putting the tree up and all the lights outside. Little R was beyond excited. He is just loving the lights on our house and when we drive through the neighborhood and see them all. I would call it borderline obsessed, asking all day when we will blow up the 'NoMan' in the front yard and he has to watch it blow up. Its really cute. 

Last week he had a hard time. He left to go to a visit, its over an hour drive since they have to go pick up his little sister in Laveen and then to the CPS office. Well this time parents didn't call to cancel, they just didn't show. So he did get to see his sisters for a few minutes but then they brought him back. He seemed okay at first and he was fine but then a little bit later we were in the bathroom and he was on the potty and he said "no mommy, daddy". It broke my heart. I didn't even know what to say. I don't get stumped a lot but really didn't know exactly how to comfort him or make it positive. Every day since that day when he gets off the bus he asks if he's going to see Mommy, Daddy. And then cries and whines when I say no not today. Every night we pray as I rock him, I thank God for letting him be here in our home and letting us love him and then I pray for his Mommy and Daddy and I asked God to protect them and that they can all be together again soon. R has always loved the rocking chair and for me to rock him but now he goes to it randomly and rocks and says mommy daddy, mommy daddy. He does it when we are trying to get him dressed, when he is being silly, when he's happy or sad. Its like he loves when we pray for them. Precious boy.

Sweetest Moment Yet

First I must explain how sweet this boy is. He has stolen the hearts of our entire family. He loves to give hugs, he smiles all day, he listens, he plays. and he has recently started saying I love you too Mama is the sweetest possible voice. There's so much more I could say about him but long story short, he has my heart.

But the moment I had to make sure I wrote about is something that happened last night. Little R is so interested in the pictures we have around the house (which is a lot). He loves to look at our family year books, framed colleges, and especially the photos we have above our couch. We have a canvas of the four of us and a few pictures of the foster kids we have had. He stands on the couch and points and asks who each person is and then says wheres R (says his name)? I said yes we need to get pictures of you up here. And then he points to the canvas in between Caleb and Tony and said I want to go right there. He wants to be in our family picture!:( He wants pictures of himself around our house. He wants to looks at memories he has made. He wants to belong. We have had younger placements so this is the first one that could communicate and I feel as though he explained so very perfectly what every foster child feels but may not be able to say. He wants to belong. So incredibly sweet and sad.

I have ordered prints of him and plan on putting him around the house. He needs to know he belongs here, he is safe and loved here for however long he needs to be.

Halloween- A Fun Night!

We had such a fun night as a family with all our family and neighbors. We had some people over for Chili and Pumpkin Cake and then went out trick or treating. I love our neighborhood on Halloween. We see so many familiar faces and the kids  get so exited its impossible to not enjoy it and get a little excited as well. But no matter how much fun we had, no one had as much fun as Little R. He was so excited to get into his Batman costume and get out and get candy! This boy LOVES his candy! He walked the whole way, no complaints, went up to every house, collected his candy, and probably would have keep going. He was the happiest kid I have ever seen.

New placement!

We have been back on the list the last few weeks and have been waiting "patiently" for the call for a our next placement. So we were excited to get the call last night for a three year little boy. It was sad because the CPS workers were coming from the other side of town so we met in an IHOP parking lot to pick him up. Luckily he was asleep and didn't even wake up much for the transfer. He has two siblings, an older brother and a little sister so that breaks my heart they all had to be separated:( Last night went well, he was very tired and quiet but we were able to get him a bath, read to him, he helped tuck the big kids in bed and then we tucked him and he went right to sleep and slept all night without a peep. You wonder what is going on in their head of theirs! It must be so overwhelming. This morning he woke up happy, ate his breakfast and started running around playing with all the toys. We went to the park and he did great. He loves his backpack (the only thing he came with) and he is starting to talk more. He does have very little speech so far. I am sure this is the honeymoon stage but seems to be adjusting fine and we are so happy to have him for whatever amount of time and give him the love and consistency that he needs. Here we go again!:)

                                Look at those curls! He and Kirea could for sure pass as related!:)

give me faith..

Give me faith to trust what you say
That your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
 
I may be weak
Your spirit is strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God you never will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs5u0j0UUPc&feature=player_embedded#!


I needed this song tonight as I mourn the reality that so many kids in this world have so much hurt. Thank you God for the hope of heaven! Thank you that I will see Joslyn again.

she will be so, so missed

We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in  the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now. 

Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.  

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.