the best day...

I feel like I need to follow up my last post with something positive and also just want to remember this day. First, the phone call with the parents went SO much better than what I had dreamed up or the nightmare I had in my head. The mom was very pleasant just asking how baby J was feeling and thanking me for taking good care of her. ? So I don't know if they were being fake or if they had time to cool off or what but not what I thought was going to go down after hearing what they were saying at the cps office and wrote in the note? Really just giving God the credit for their change, I have been so anxious and stressed and worried about what they would say, about protecting ourselves from allegations against us as foster parents, that I think I forgot for a minute that God is in control, he is the judge, he will fight for us, and I am just going  love any child that comes into our as I love my own kids and TRUST. (and still document EVERYTHING, hehe)

Today we stayed home ALL day, I really don't remember the last time doing this, we are always running to the store, at the gym, driving for preschool, etc. and since neither of the girls are 100% yet we stayed home and it was sooooo nice, we just played and laughed and relaxed, BOTH girls took great naps, and then when Caleb got home we played catch, swung on the swings, baths, etc. and to hear all THREE kids interacting, playing, laughing... best sound in the world!! We missed Tony but such a fun family night. At one point Kirea said (she has had a little bit of a hard time sharing me with baby J) but she said I can't believe we are ALL having so much fun. hehe not sure exactly what that means but pretty sure it means she is happy. Feeling beyond blessed tonight. :)

love the unlovable

I'm not referring to baby J, she is very lovable, considering how she was taken from home and the only parents and family she has known, just as she starts to get adjusted here, she now spends so much time in the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays being transported to and  from her parents visits, with all that she is going through, she is so easy to love. Her parents on the other hand I am having a hard time loving. I can not even imagine what they are going through having their children taken and I am trying to be sensitive, but today she sent a nasty note saying how mad she is that baby J has an ear infection and why didn't I invite them to the doctor appointment. ? She also told the case worker I waited too long to take her to the doctor and shouldn't have met up with J's baby brother at the park, etc. So they are continuing to criticize almost everything we do :( And its just so hard to not let it get to me, get angry, even a little arrogant, like REALLY you are the ones that had your children removed, my kids are DOING JUST FINE. (soooo bad and wrong I know!) So tomorrow we are suppose to have our 15  minute phone call and I am dreading it. This is one aspect I have to say I did not expect, worrying so much about what the birth parents are going to think, if they are going to be mad, having unpleasant conversations with them, etc. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think but I am going to start praying about it now, and hope I say the right thing and stand up for myself. The case worker did say that if the call gets bad then to just disconnect and no longer do the calls. Regardless of how they have been I still want to root for them, I want them to be able to the parents they want to be, that their kids deserve, I want them to be a family again.

But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44

our first experience with parent visits

this morning a total stranger came and picked up baby J to take her to the cps office to see her parents again for the first time in almost 3 weeks. she was over an hour late but I get that we live far out here and also I hear that I should be grateful that there is a case aide to help with the transporting, otherwise it would be up to us to drive her. just makes me sad how confused she must be:(

about a half an hour into the visit the cps worker called and said that the parents are being difficult and they want to know why she has a diaper rash and why we aren't using A&D and why does she look so lethargic? ughhh really??? I have heard this is common, the parents want to feel like they have some sort of control. which even though its from their choices this is happening, I can not EVEN imagine what they are feeling. I did explain I left a letter to the parents and some pictures of baby J in the diaper bag that they must not have seen. this seem to help a lot to diffuse the parents and calm them down some.

when baby J was dropped off several hours later she was off for a bit, just looking around and could not get her to smile. she did seem tired but warmed up shortly after being here again. they sent a few toys for her and they just REEK of cigarettes and she smelled of it too, so it was a nice thought just may need to air the toys out some. this is all part of it. just so interesting dealing with types of people and situations that never would come across our paths without doing foster care. hoping we can be light and encouragement to all involved even when they are difficult and not very easy to love:/

ON A GOOD NOTE: we had a great easter as a family with baby J. she seems to be adjusting to our family great, I've noticed less fits (hopefully that doesn't change now that we are confusing her) but it was a great weekend! we found out that she LOVES candy:)

reality has set in..

today has been one of the harder days. so I need to vent some, so if anyone reading this is looking for encouragement or a pick me up for fostering this is NOT going to be the one to read:( I think its just really setting in the reality of the changes and sacrifices this is going to take. I think that baby girl J also had a honeymoon stage as well because last week she was happy and easy going. the last few days she has been needy, whiny, throwing fit after fit and tests us anytime we say no. it is very clear that she did not have any boundaries. so anytime I say no and redirect her, she throws herself on the ground and throws her head back. tonight we all went to try to watch tony's mom receive an award and she was being squirmy and and sat her down on the chair, she threw herself back and fell off the chair and hit her head during the award banquet with everyone staring. she we hung out in the lobby for the next hour or so. that is isn't out of the norm to have to remove an 18 month old from a quiet atmosphere but for some reason I just felt sad and alone. I think its just the reality. the reality that life is more stressful than it had been, that it is going to take a lot of patience, its going to take work to not allow it to put a strain on our marriage, my kids are getting less of me, there certain places and things we are not going to be to go and do. and it is hard missing the baby stage and going straight to the fits and the 'terrible two' behaviors. with all that being said...we knew this was part of it, we knew there would be hard times, sacrifices, adjustments, still doesn't make it easy when it actually happens. 

baby girl J deserves unconditional love, consistency, boundaries, a loving family. and I want to be that for her. she is the cutest thing and its so clear she is confused and has become more and more attached to me each day, which is cute and hard at the same time. she is slowly warming up to tony so that's good. he is so sweet with her. these hard days have caused me to realize no matter how passionate I am about this, how prepared we were, how called we felt..I can NOT do this on my own. I need to be praying constantly, leaning on God, in his word, and clinging to him when it becomes hard, at all times. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 'For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength'. Philippians 4:13 I am also so thankful for my husband that is such a huge support and lets me cry, and I have friends that have allowed me to lean on them as well, I am so blessed.