Off to Disneyland!

We feel so blessed and excited to experience Disney and the beach with R. We didn't tell them until we got in the car and they were so surprise and excited. I wish I could upload that video but it shows his face. R yelled I am going to go on Car's ride. We had such a fun time!

Tired but Hopeful

The best way I can describe how I am ending this week is OVERWHELMED. Its just been one of those weeks. On top of already being nonstop busy, Tony has been even MORE busy this week with his business, the station, and then we are doing a refi on our house, and the list goes. Just crazy stuff, good stuff but crazy. So being with the three kids can be hard at times. They are all great kids, just the "refereeing" gets old FAST. I know I am going to miss so much about these ages but the I sure could do without the fighting! I could go on and ON with my 'mommy venting' but as far as updates on R..

He is doing really well. He has so many sweet moments that they help balance out the needy, whiny, crazy hyper moments. :) I had one situation come up the other day at the library with R and "mama bear" came out and I became so protective of him... just another indicator that yep in my heart, he has become "one of mine". He continues to just feel like one of us. But then there are days, like VISIT days. I have come to HATE visit days. He is in the car for about 4 hours on both Saturday and Mondays for a quick two hour visit at a CPS office. He comes back so out of it because he is exhausted and probably emotionally drained and confused. This last time he came back with poop all in his pants because no one helped him wipe. He also said when he came back, 'I only want you'. I am not sure what he means by that exactly but he knows what he means. So now that this has been our longest placement (6 months) I am seeing how LONG this takes and its making me mad and sad. I am at the point of just desperately wanting permanency for him. His forever home to be figured out, like NOW.  And the sad thing is it looks like its going to be a loooong while! His Grandma was denied on the background check so she is NO for taking the kiddos. :( SO next step is if the rights are severed at the end of the month like they are suppose to be, then the kids will go into a "Red File" and they will see if someone will come forward to adopt R and his two sisters. THEN if no one comes up they may consider adopting them separately. Once again feeling torn, and either way would be bittersweet. We, of course love him and think he would fit perfectly here. But I also feel as though God is working on my heart some or allowing me to trust Him more because now, as I mentioned, I just want the visits to stop, for his future to begin with whatever family that may be. I know that any family that comes forward and has a heart to adopt all three have to amazing people, he will get to be with his sisters, and God will heal my heart. I am trying to take myself out of the equation and just pray for a the forever family that this sweet boy deserves, whoever that may be. 

This week has been FAR from comfortable for me, so this quote was so good for me.

“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.” ― Francis Chan

the latest news and want to gush some more about this boy

The update with R's case is that they made contact with Grandma in Massachusetts and she said she is willing to adopt all three kids. (R and his two sisters). So BIG PICTURE this could be a great thing. I, of course, feel torn for many reasons. One, I have a sister, I love my sister and could not imagine not growing up without her, we share a bond that could not be replaced by anyone else. I want that for R, I want him to grow up with his blood sisters, I want them to be so close. And that would be so great for him to have a relationship with his paternal grandmother. 

Some down sides to this is I guess dealing with out of state kinship can be a VERY long process, I have heard anywhere from 4 months to 18 months! That's when I start getting worried and sad. Sad for R and his sisters, having to miss out on all that time with his forever family, to get that much more established and comfortable in our home, with our kids becoming his siblings in his mind, and so on. I hate the thought of him starting over again, moving again, new routine...or no routine :( It's hard for my mind not to wonder to worse case or the possibility that it would not be a good place and what that would look like for these kids. I hope that I get to meet his grandma either via Skype or over the phone or something, and maybe that would ease my mind some? Just sending him off to who knows who. That's a hard thought. And then without getting into too many details of the case, it sounds like these poor birth parents simply do not know how to parent these three kids. And then I think if you don't know how to parent, you probably weren't parented? So that's hard to understand as well. Grandma has to get cleared by the state, background checks, home checks, etc. so there is a possibility that the state may find her unfit to be able to care for them.

Lately whenever R reaches to hug me or has what we call in this house a "love gush", he hugs me and says 'I want to keep you'. UGH where did he get that?! But melts my heart every time. Tonight when I was getting his jammies on his said that his 'other Mommy' had to take him to the hospital because he had lots of owies and then he starts pointing his shoulders and hips. I don't know if that's true. CPS is saying that he was abused. He doesn't act like he was abused to me (but who knows what that looks like anyway, I am sure its different with every kid and could show up later in behaviors) BUT regardless when he says things like that I just want to grab him and never let him go. My hearts says God he could have a guaranteed loving home here forever, why not that? 

But here we go again...:) This is where the faith and trust comes in. Trusting that God knows where R needs to be. He sees his future and I can not. And I do know that God will walk with him each step of the way. We will enjoy the time we get and keep teaching him and pointing him towards the only one that will never leave him, disappoint him, the one that will love him unconditionally every day of his life.   God created such a special person in R and I know he saved us for him and him for us for this time and I am so grateful.

there is no way I did not know this boy three months ago!

He is just so special! And he just feels like one of mine now. And then he goes to his visit yesterday and his mom draws him a picture that says MOMMY LOVES YOU and I remember oh wait he is not mine. I have only know him for three months, he has another mommy. A mommy that loves him but is not able to take care of him:( Makes me so sad for her. I don't know her at all, but because he is so amazing regardless of how great or not great she is, what a loss for her. She is missing so much. R is so precious and loves his mommy and daddy so much that when we tuck him in and sing and pray with him, if either of us forget to pray for his mommy and daddy he is so quick to remind up and says 'mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy'.

I talked with his case worker today and the judge did rule for severance for their case, so R and his two sisters will be going up for adoption. And then she asks, "would you take him?" It just still blows my mind. Are we talking about a dog or a child? And by the way, this case worker has never met us in person. Would you take him? And this is the same child that was passed off to us in a parking lot at 9 o'clock at night three months ago. SO WRONG. But my hearts answer to that question is a huge, giant  YES!! YES we will keep him forever. But I don't think its that easy. We of course will be in prayer and seek God in this. They will first try to find anyone that can take all three kiddos. But she said she is open to finding separate homes if needed. WOW a lot to think about, we could be a permanent family of five. But once again trying to guard my heart and not get any hopes up. And not even thinking about what it would be like to say goodbye to this sweet boy. Trusting God in this and knowing he has R's future in his hands no matter what.

Children's Museum

I just love experiencing fun things with this guy! Caleb and Kirea have always been blessed with a consistent family that loves them and does fun things with them. But R appreciates and gets more excited about things than most three year olds would that have not been through what he has been through. He talks about the fun things we do for days. I'll never forget when we were at Fry's two days after he was placed with us I bought him a Cars sippy cup and he started jumping up and down saying 'gank you, gank you'! He acted as though it was best thing anyone has ever bought him. Once again this kid is just a blessing to us. I realize that he may not always be this grateful and we may face issues down the road because of all he has been through but now I just feel lucky to have been picked to love on him and that he is a part of our family for now!

Polar Express

This kid LOVED every minute of this trip. The snow (I am not sure if has seen snow before but he didn't act like it), the hotel room, the hot cocoa and cookie, santa, and THE TRAIN. He is obsessed with trains so we could not have come up with a better trip for him. This was the first time taking our older kids as well so it was fun to live through their excitement and fun. I will forever have the memory snuggling with with R in my lap and Kirea sitting next to me singing Christmas Carols on the Polar Express. Fun Times!

I want to eat him up!

I am feeling the need to write because I am getting to that point where I am falling so in love that I am getting scared and sad:( NEED TO STOP. I am suppose to fall in love with him and love him as my own. He deserves that. He has officially become a part of our family around our house. Caleb told him I think 6 times tonight that he loves him, Kirea gets sad when he leaves for school and she told her friends to be nice to her little brother today, and for me now all through the day I just have that sudden surge that I just want to grab him and hold him and kiss and hug him just as I do with my own kids. I find the things he says and does is cuter everyday. And well I am chop liver when Tony is around, R just adores Tony. I know that CPS is going to make it their first priority to get the siblings in one home. Parents rights may be severed. But that will be a long road and then IF it does happen they will try to find someone that is able to take R and his two sisters. Which is how it should be, he should be with his siblings. But then my selfishness kicks in and I worry about our family and how it will affect us. How long will he stay, how attached will our kids get? Will he have to start over with a new family? How hard will it be to say goodbye? My selfish part of me says, NO I WANT HIM TO STAY!

SO with all of that I need to be praying for peace. I text earlier Tony today because I did have this feeling peace today that I am so very sure that I was created to do foster care and so grateful that I have a husband that also has such a heart for it and because of his support and how he loves and provides for us I can live out one of the purposes God has given me. Trusting in the fact that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27