Sweetest Moment Yet

First I must explain how sweet this boy is. He has stolen the hearts of our entire family. He loves to give hugs, he smiles all day, he listens, he plays. and he has recently started saying I love you too Mama is the sweetest possible voice. There's so much more I could say about him but long story short, he has my heart.

But the moment I had to make sure I wrote about is something that happened last night. Little R is so interested in the pictures we have around the house (which is a lot). He loves to look at our family year books, framed colleges, and especially the photos we have above our couch. We have a canvas of the four of us and a few pictures of the foster kids we have had. He stands on the couch and points and asks who each person is and then says wheres R (says his name)? I said yes we need to get pictures of you up here. And then he points to the canvas in between Caleb and Tony and said I want to go right there. He wants to be in our family picture!:( He wants pictures of himself around our house. He wants to looks at memories he has made. He wants to belong. We have had younger placements so this is the first one that could communicate and I feel as though he explained so very perfectly what every foster child feels but may not be able to say. He wants to belong. So incredibly sweet and sad.

I have ordered prints of him and plan on putting him around the house. He needs to know he belongs here, he is safe and loved here for however long he needs to be.

Halloween- A Fun Night!

We had such a fun night as a family with all our family and neighbors. We had some people over for Chili and Pumpkin Cake and then went out trick or treating. I love our neighborhood on Halloween. We see so many familiar faces and the kids  get so exited its impossible to not enjoy it and get a little excited as well. But no matter how much fun we had, no one had as much fun as Little R. He was so excited to get into his Batman costume and get out and get candy! This boy LOVES his candy! He walked the whole way, no complaints, went up to every house, collected his candy, and probably would have keep going. He was the happiest kid I have ever seen.

New placement!

We have been back on the list the last few weeks and have been waiting "patiently" for the call for a our next placement. So we were excited to get the call last night for a three year little boy. It was sad because the CPS workers were coming from the other side of town so we met in an IHOP parking lot to pick him up. Luckily he was asleep and didn't even wake up much for the transfer. He has two siblings, an older brother and a little sister so that breaks my heart they all had to be separated:( Last night went well, he was very tired and quiet but we were able to get him a bath, read to him, he helped tuck the big kids in bed and then we tucked him and he went right to sleep and slept all night without a peep. You wonder what is going on in their head of theirs! It must be so overwhelming. This morning he woke up happy, ate his breakfast and started running around playing with all the toys. We went to the park and he did great. He loves his backpack (the only thing he came with) and he is starting to talk more. He does have very little speech so far. I am sure this is the honeymoon stage but seems to be adjusting fine and we are so happy to have him for whatever amount of time and give him the love and consistency that he needs. Here we go again!:)

                                Look at those curls! He and Kirea could for sure pass as related!:)

give me faith..

Give me faith to trust what you say
That your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
 
I may be weak
Your spirit is strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God you never will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs5u0j0UUPc&feature=player_embedded#!


I needed this song tonight as I mourn the reality that so many kids in this world have so much hurt. Thank you God for the hope of heaven! Thank you that I will see Joslyn again.

she will be so, so missed

We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in  the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now. 

Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.  

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.

we may be saying goodbye:(

I heard from our CPS worker on baby J's case and she explained that they are going to try to move this to an "in home" case when the case goes to court on the 23rd. This means that CPS will still be involved but the kids (baby J and her baby brother) will get to go home right away. This was so hard to hear and wasn't expecting it! I know that it was possible but from everyone I talked to it seemed like it would be longer and the parents had a lot more work to do. Even the trouble we have had with the parents, we have always been rooting for them, praying for them, and wanting them all to be a family again. But its going to be so hard to say goodbye to her. She has been here for four months, but seems so much longer and she has become a part of our family. She is so comfortable and happy here. Her and Kirea have become so attached. Whenever one of them is not in the same room, each of them is asking where the other is. They fight like siblings but also love each other so much. Its going to be the hardest on Kirea when she goes. :( The judge and the parents have to agree to the in home agreement but the case worker sees it going that direction, but of course any thing could happen.

I feel as though J is a completely different child from when she came here. I do not know what her home life was like exactly, I know that her parents love her and miss her, but I have no idea what her day to day life looked like, I have a guess but of course do not know for sure. When she came she was quiet, rarely smiled, didn't eat very much, threw herself on the ground frequently in fits, ran around all the time, no boundaries, almost seemed confused on where to go and what to do, she would NEVER go near Tony. If he held her, she completely froze. She would stare off. She didn't reach for me, just sat there, frozen, it was one of the weirdest things I have seen with a child that young. She would cry if Tony raised his voice and hated when Tony play fought or wrestled with the kids. When she came she did not want to have anything to do with Kirea, she would cry if Kirea did anything for her, she was not use to other kids. She was sick all the time and woke up crying out at night with night terrors. NOW in just four months, so much has changed, its crazy to me just typing it all out how different she is. She is the happiest little thing. No more night terrors and crying out, when we go in her room in the morning she is literally jumping up and down with huge smile, she starts dancing and humming and that means she wants me to sing the 'Mr. Sun' song. She seems SO smart to me, talking so much and I feel like she understands everything I am saying to her. If I leave her for any amount of time and come home she goes crazy and runs to me and then wants to run around jumping around celebrating. Makes me feel pretty special:) She listens and has fewer and fewer fits. The biggest change has been with Tony. In just the last week started calling him Daddy, even though we call him Tony for her. Last week when he got home, she ran to him yelling Daddy. That is just huge. Tonight she brought her baby doll to him and her 'baba' and wanted Tony to feed her baby. SO sweet!

So I just get sad for her as well, she looks at us as family now too and we will just be gone:( but I know she will be happy to be with her baby brother and parents, and I have to keep telling myself its so much better for her to go now rather than later when we are all so much more attached. Its not going to be easy to say goodbye:( Prayers please for her parents, for us to be able to trust God with her future, and for our hearts.

its been awhile!

I have been a major slacker with posts. Things have been so busy with life with three kids, graduations, CIY youth camp, Tony's hamstring surgery. But I think we MAY, just may, be at the end of it and get to take a breather and enjoy some relaxing time this summer as a family. Baby J is doing really, really well. I eventually had to get to the point that I had to pull back from dealing with the parents. They were getting extremely demanding, questioning everything, and then the birth dad got very rude and hostile with our pediatrician. I was being treated like a high paid nanny that needed to do whatever they said.  It was creating so much anxiety in me it was affecting all areas of my life such as ministry, marriage and being a mom. Fostering has been much easier with that stress taken off, we did truly want to have a relationship with the birth parents and  reach out to them, love them because I can not imagine how hard what they are going through has to be. But I had to reevaluate what my role is as a foster mom and that's not to try to please the birth parents but to love baby J as our own, include her in our family, meet her needs, and continue on with our life as much as possible. That is whats best for our family and also for baby J so she does not have a foster mom that is stressed out to the max all the time. J still goes to her visits once a week and I send emails with pictures and such.

But anyhow I was really feeling the need to get back on and start blogging again, because I feel it happening..I am getting so attached.. This time took a little longer for several reasons I think, two year olds are hard! Her parents were hard, Kirea was having such a hard time, it was just such an adjustment. But now when she is gone or I am gone, I miss her terribly, I feel that connection, hard to explain, but like my heart is attached to her. She is just so smart and lovable and easy going. She is so happy and feels so comfortable here. And the way she loves Kirea is just adorable. I have no idea why she loves Kirea because Kirea can be a bossy stinker to her sometimes but I do know she loves baby J as well.

The latest status is that there is a court date at the end of July and it sounds like the lawyer is going to recommend baby J and her little baby brother get to go home and become an "in home" case where CPS is heavily involved. The only thing is I do NOT see the birth parents going along with that since they think they have done nothing wrong, so we will what happens! Just praying to be prepared for whatever happens.

Joslyn would cry and get so mad if we wrestled when she first came, now its her favorite thing to do. She loves to sit on Kirea and they just crack up. <3