give me faith..

Give me faith to trust what you say
That your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
 
I may be weak
Your spirit is strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God you never will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs5u0j0UUPc&feature=player_embedded#!


I needed this song tonight as I mourn the reality that so many kids in this world have so much hurt. Thank you God for the hope of heaven! Thank you that I will see Joslyn again.

she will be so, so missed

We had to say goodbye to our sweet, sweet baby J a few hours ago. I thought that I had prepared myself but I did not expect to get a call and say, 'she will be leaving today, how soon can I come get her?' I am learning in this, the foster family and how it will affect our family and our feelings is never a factor in the decisions that CPS and/or the judge make. Reunification is always the main goal and priority, which I knew and understand but it is still hard. I miss her already. I do not feel like it has really sank in yet that I will probably never see her again. I feel a bit numb because it happened so fast. We all cried when she left. I cried off and on most of the evening. The little things are probably what are going to keep getting me over the next several weeks. We came home from dinner and the baby doll that she covered up and put "nigh night" was on the floor, my favorite dress of hers in  the laundry room, I am wondering if she's asleep yet and if her mom sang to her. I think the thing that hurts my heart the most is what she is thinking. Is she confused, is she sad, will she miss us and wonder where we are? Will she still always be looking for Kirea and wonder why she is not coming back here? It is not fair for her. But in this I still have trust in God that he will protect and heal that little heart of hers and make it whole despite all she has been through. I will forever pray that the seeds planted here, the praying with her every night, showing her unconditional love, Tony loving her and building her trust, that it will grow and she will someday come to know that she has a perfect Heavenly Father that will never fail her and will love her more than Tony and I or her birth parents ever could. I know it will take time for my heart to heal and I feel as though J will always have a piece of it, but I know God will give me the peace and strength to continue on the this foster care journey. If there are more baby J's out there that need a home, there is no way I could stop now. 

Going forward, we are going to take some time with just our family for a bit. Tony has some time off work next month and we have some trips planned, school is starting back up, so not a great time to have another huge change. So as of October 1st we will go back on the list to foster another. Until then I will be praying for sweet baby J, thanking God for the privilege of loving her over the last several months, and trusting for what's to come.  

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Kirea and J watching her favorite thing in the whole world, Dora.

we may be saying goodbye:(

I heard from our CPS worker on baby J's case and she explained that they are going to try to move this to an "in home" case when the case goes to court on the 23rd. This means that CPS will still be involved but the kids (baby J and her baby brother) will get to go home right away. This was so hard to hear and wasn't expecting it! I know that it was possible but from everyone I talked to it seemed like it would be longer and the parents had a lot more work to do. Even the trouble we have had with the parents, we have always been rooting for them, praying for them, and wanting them all to be a family again. But its going to be so hard to say goodbye to her. She has been here for four months, but seems so much longer and she has become a part of our family. She is so comfortable and happy here. Her and Kirea have become so attached. Whenever one of them is not in the same room, each of them is asking where the other is. They fight like siblings but also love each other so much. Its going to be the hardest on Kirea when she goes. :( The judge and the parents have to agree to the in home agreement but the case worker sees it going that direction, but of course any thing could happen.

I feel as though J is a completely different child from when she came here. I do not know what her home life was like exactly, I know that her parents love her and miss her, but I have no idea what her day to day life looked like, I have a guess but of course do not know for sure. When she came she was quiet, rarely smiled, didn't eat very much, threw herself on the ground frequently in fits, ran around all the time, no boundaries, almost seemed confused on where to go and what to do, she would NEVER go near Tony. If he held her, she completely froze. She would stare off. She didn't reach for me, just sat there, frozen, it was one of the weirdest things I have seen with a child that young. She would cry if Tony raised his voice and hated when Tony play fought or wrestled with the kids. When she came she did not want to have anything to do with Kirea, she would cry if Kirea did anything for her, she was not use to other kids. She was sick all the time and woke up crying out at night with night terrors. NOW in just four months, so much has changed, its crazy to me just typing it all out how different she is. She is the happiest little thing. No more night terrors and crying out, when we go in her room in the morning she is literally jumping up and down with huge smile, she starts dancing and humming and that means she wants me to sing the 'Mr. Sun' song. She seems SO smart to me, talking so much and I feel like she understands everything I am saying to her. If I leave her for any amount of time and come home she goes crazy and runs to me and then wants to run around jumping around celebrating. Makes me feel pretty special:) She listens and has fewer and fewer fits. The biggest change has been with Tony. In just the last week started calling him Daddy, even though we call him Tony for her. Last week when he got home, she ran to him yelling Daddy. That is just huge. Tonight she brought her baby doll to him and her 'baba' and wanted Tony to feed her baby. SO sweet!

So I just get sad for her as well, she looks at us as family now too and we will just be gone:( but I know she will be happy to be with her baby brother and parents, and I have to keep telling myself its so much better for her to go now rather than later when we are all so much more attached. Its not going to be easy to say goodbye:( Prayers please for her parents, for us to be able to trust God with her future, and for our hearts.